Ladies and gents, our very own... Travis.

Three humorous things happened to me today, concerning a few games you may, or may not be interested in. One of them you will probably never have a chance to play, but oh well, that's life sometimes.

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My relationship with my older brother has always been awkward. While five years is really not much to overcome, we straddled different generations. Luke, my brother, was on the tail-end of Generation X (an incredible name, by the way) and I was on the bleeding edge of the Millennial Generation (a significant step down in generational names). When we were kids, we truly loved each other in a way that only brothers can. But time will pass, and it has a tendency to change things.

This may surprise you, but I was a quiet kid growing up. I mean, now I’m known for Lewis Black-esque rage sessions about videogames and pop culture but, growing up, I was kind of shy. Luke was anything but shy, though. He was boisterous and in love with the limelight; he’d tell the same story three different ways in order to be the focus of the party. It was simultaneously amazing and infuriating. Things like that came easy to him. Me? Videogames came easy to me.

I don’t remember getting a NES, but I do remember playing Super Mario Bros. with my brother. As far as Luigis were concerned, I was a cancer. When his Mario died, I’d take over for multiple levels. We’d even do the “toss some elbows, fuck the other guy up” kind of one-upsmanship. It didn’t matter what kind of game we played, but I was always superior to him. After a while, I would throw him a game or two. I’d say, “Dang, Luke, you are getting really good at this,” but he would know what was going on. He would never say anything, but our gaming sessions would get shorter and shorter as time went on.

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Americans love to settle arguments in one of two ways, by either shooting each other or suing each other. Nintendo, although a filthy Japanese company, is actually supportive of both. For example, the Zapper for the NES is one of the finest gun simulation devices I have ever had the experience of handling, and the big N even tried to up the ante with the ill-fated Super Scope 6. Although honestly, Nintendo, a bazooka? We may blood thirsty psychopaths, but we're also fat and lazy. You expect us to hold 10 ounces of plastic on our shoulder for longer than a minute? I can barely jerk off without passing out from exhaustion.

Nintendo also has some deep experience with the justice system. Nintendo has spent the past 25+ years in ligitation over one thing or another, such as the time when Universal sued Nintendo over Donkey Kong. It seemed like an open and shut case. Both Donkey Kong and King Kong share the same last name (Leibowitz), both of them are big hairy gorillas, and both of them are horrible rapists. The 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals was having none of it, however, saying that "[w]hen taken as a whole, we find as a matter of law that 'Donkey Kong' does not evoke or suggest the name of King Kong" (Universal City Studios, Inc. v. Nintendo Co., 746 F.2d 112, 118 (U.S. App., 1984). That's right, as a matter of mother fucking LAW, bitch.

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On September 29th, 2009, "Rapala: We Fish" was released by Activision for the Nintendo Wii. It's allegedly a fun party game based on the "Rapala Tournament Fishing!" game also released by Activision. Rapala is, of course, the manufactuer of "the world's favorite lure...since 1936." And now Rapala is sponsor of the world's favorite fish-related party game! Maybe even it's only one!



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In a fit of impatience, I sat down one night and banged out a comprehensive list of the best games ever to grace the GameCube.

This was in November.

Nine months later, I've gotten around to actually posting it. Because, obviously, I wanted the world to see it. And by the world, I mean the dozen or so readers who frequent the site. To liven things up, I invited a collection of Nintendorks to post their comments and mock my list. Oh yes, there will be mocking. What games made my list? What will be number one? Are monkeys involved (Yes to that last question). Hit the jump to find out.
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I'm not going to deny that this article mostly exists so that a Nintendo related item can push down the Xboxy Alan Wake, but this is still a topic near and dear to my heart.

One of the forum members was selling N64 games some months back and I nabbed a few games from them. Over the course of E3 when I was staying at Kevin's apartment in Los Angeles we played some in an attempt to have fun. One of these games was "BattleTanx" from developer 3DO.



Now I know what you're thinking. This game is already awesome. Yet I know you have many questions. If it is a post apocalyptic world why would Griffin Spade bother having a fiancee when he could marry her right away? How is it that suddenly there are so many tanks still around for gangs to drive and how are these gang members able to do so with no training? Tank manufacturers aren't exactly as abundant as Ford manufacturers, heck where are they getting munitions? And finally, how the heck could a person be expected to make a cross country trip in a tank. Those things are not fast. I can assure you that these questions are all answered by the fact this title clearly takes place in an alternate 2001 where all of these questions have reasonable answers.

However, I believe Batman said it best when he stated, "Things change."
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If I wanted to create news I would say "WII HD Expected For Release in 2011." However, that statement is not necessarily true. It seems that good ole Michael Pachter from the extremely well known Wedbush Morgan Securities claims that it likely will. "Or maybe in 2010," he added, trying to hide the fact he was trying to sound smart by predicting the future.

I don't know who Michael Pachter is or what the heck Wedbush Morgan Securities is (or whether he made that up to), but I wanted to comment on this "news" because I'm intrigued with what you people think about the whole Wii HD concept. It is brought up in the context of there being no new consoles by 2011, just a HD upgrade for everyone's favorite Nintendo system. However, and I may be just a simple dirt farmer, but I'm not sure how you make a console HD without releasing a new console that essentially splits the market. Would it up-convert older games to 720p? Would it pump gases out to me while I'm playing so I experience it all in an ultra HD plane of existence known only as 2112i?

I know know and Michael Pachter certainly doesn't know. What do you know? Send a DRC to Brandon and tell him how you feel.

We don’t make games here at Nintendorks, but that doesn’t stop us from coming up with some pretty great ideas for games. I’m going to tackle some of Nintendo’s most storied franchises and provide a short a design document for what the next sequel should be. Think of it this way: its one-part fanfiction, one-part wishful thinking, and all awesome. This time, we’re going back to basics: Super Mario Bros.



The Pitch: They explored the Mushroom Kingdom to each of its four corners. They traveled through the vastness of time. And they just got back from traversing the uncharted reaches of space. What could possibly be in store for Mario and Luigi this time around? We’ve seen their best friends, hated nemeses, and poorly-named bizarro versions. But what do we really know about these two heroic plumbers? In Super Mario Reality, the truth will finally be snaked out of the drain of mystery.


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Reading through Joe Rybicki's Ziff-trospectives, I was reminded of the many times I wished I had a "cone of violence" around. I mean, those felonies are kind of hard to get rid of. But it got me thinking about games I've played that enjoyed taking a shit on me just because I was doing good. So, I thought, "I (don't) get paid to write for Nintedorks, so what Nintendo games have made me want to kill a baby in anger?"


Obviously, no list about frustrating Nintendo games is complete without the obligatory mention of Mario Kart. The whole premise is kind of crazy in this game: a middle-aged plumber, his retarded brother, and a kidnap-prone princess welcome their mortal enemies into their lands to race around and play grab-ass for an afternoon. Okay, I can kind of buy this, as you'd probably get bored of jumping on mushroom men and eating mushrooms and shit, and some downtime is acceptable. But if you're going to take the time to put together a race circuit and everything, is it too much to expect that everyone is racing to win? On 150cc, the computer-controlled racers aren't racing to win--unless you count "Who Can Shove the Most Red and Blue Shells Up Luigi's Ass?" a race. It's not about who wins so much as making sure that you do not place first. In terms of the Mario Universe, this doesn't make sense: is Bowser really going to take time out of his day, call up Toad, Donkey Kong, Princess Peach, Boo and all of those other assholes, and devise an ingenius scheme to make Luigi lose on DK Jungle? Why not just ransack the Mushroom Kingdom while everyone else is playing go-kart? As diabolical plans go, this one is kind of ridiculous.

What drives me crazy about this is that back in the day, we were okay with this! Getting beat at the finish line every single time was just part of the experience. Well, there's more of this kind of shit that we put up with over the years. Hit the jump for more.

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