Microsoft Waggles Genitals At Nintendo, Slams Wii Gimmickry

So, I haven’t bought Wii Fit for a variety of reasons.

I will, at some point, purchase the game, because God only knows I have to have more wacky Nintendo peripherals, and I need yet another reason for my roommate to think I am some sort of homosexual (He is close-minded, see). Anyway, according to Xbox Europe’s Vice President David Gosen, if I were to have purchased Wii Fit, I would probably have played it once and put it aside. He claims that 60% of Wii Fit purchasers engaged in this 90-dollars-wasted behavior, citing “some research.” (No, seriously) Then he went on to describe how you can’t forgo gameplay in lieu of shameful gimmicks. I have a few things to say about this. First off, I think it’s a noble idea, Wii Fit. Honestly, I know that some people probably did buy it, and then realized that it was actual work, and so “fuck that, hand me more delicious, delicious chili-cheese fritos.” People can be lazy. I don’t think it was 60% of people, “some research” to be damned. I mean, personally, if I were to also use small number statistics and extrapolate from the three or four people I know who managed to pick the game up, they’ve all admitted to still playing it. So, that’s 100%, David Gosen. I am going to just go ahead and say it, and hope it gets picked up on a mainstream video game news site: “100% of Wii Fit owners still play the game to this day.” There. Now we can all say things and not back them up.

Secondly, I think that we know how Microsoft views innovation. Let’s let someone else take a gimmicky risk…and if it works out…we can do it too! I’m surprised that David Gosen didn’t finish his press conference by announcing Microsoft X-ercise Board, which features a gun attachment and the ability to hit on your yoga instructor.