Iwata to kill himself to preserve honor

“Sales of the 3DS have been weaker than expected since the second week of launch in the US and Europe,” Satoru Iwata told an irradiated group of investors on Tuesday, according to Agence France-Presse.

Iwata also stated that sales dropped 29.3% for the year, with net profit plunging 66.1%. Iwata blamed the series of unfortunate events that struck Japan on March 11th, which led consumers to cut back on spending or in some cases die. Fortunately, Nintendo said none of its factories experienced any damage. Iwata expects sales to rise more than 40% over the next 12 months, or else he will plunge a short blade into his stomach and allow his bowels to spill onto the floor as a way to save face.