A warning about birds

by Chris V on

When Nintendo unveiled a trailer, screenshots and artwork for The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, many people were giddy with anticipation. Much of the thrill came from the fact that there are giant birds in this game that Link can ride upon. I think we need a little lesson in reality. The truth is, birds are the biggest jerks in the animal kingdom. Imagine you are walking down the boardwalk, the ocean crashing into the beach, the sun shining above you. It’s a perfect summer day, and you go to bite into your afternoon snack. Suddenly, a seagull swoops in and steals your food. As you lament, it laughs in your face.

Birds are assholes.

These are some facts about birds:

  1. They shit EVERYWHERE, ANY TIME, no matter what is going on

  2. They are earsplittingly loud (“Screaming in parrots, or just excessive vocalization, is normal“)

  3. They chew everything

  4. Their feces is fatal to humans

  5. When they are deep fried, they clog your heart

Birds may take to the skies, but they are menaces to those of us on land. Have you ever been awoken at 5 o’clock in the morning by chirping birds? Or a rooster? What the fuck? Shut up. SHUT UP!

Those fowl fiends terrorize city streets, too:

I’m not telling you not to buy the new Zelda game when it comes out. I’m just warning you to keep an eye on the birds. You cannot trust them.