Nintendo Finally Reveals What Virtual Console Enthusiasts Have Been Dying to Hear: “Go F#*% Yourselves.”

In an incredibly wise business move, Nintendo recently confirmed that any and all Virtual Console and Wii Ware games will in fact not be compatible with the Wii U tablet. As someone who has downloaded more than a hundred of these retro titles over the past 6 years, I couldn’t be more delighted with this news. I’d really started to worry there for a bit as the possibility of playing Pokemon Snap or Blazing Lazers on a beautiful high resolution screen in the bathroom bordered on repulsive to me. It’s truly a testament to Nintendo’s consideration and appreciation of their core customers that they boldly chose to not include this function that to be perfectly blunt, would have bordered on insulting had it somehow squeaked through. The only thing that I’m worried about here (and that Nintendo did not address) is whether or not they’ll slap Wii-U “exclusive functions” like save states or alternate screen ratios on these classic games somewhere down the line and offer them up as new products to be purchased. I certainly hope so, as I just can’t bear the thought of not re-buying my entire catalogue all over again.