Official Nintendorks E3 Predictions 2013 All Rights Reserved

Nintendo will reveal footage of a new 3D Mario game. It will be called “Super Mario 64 2: This Time Luigi.” Holiday 2013.

The vitality sensor will make a return. The pulse rates it collects will be shared with the US Government.

A brand new Legend of Zelda for the Wii U will be unveiled. It will be given an official release date: TBA.

Seven exclusive games will be announced for the Wii U. They will be cancelled.

Electronic Arts will say, “We have a relationship with Nintendo.” Said comment will be the only evidence of a relationship.

Reggie will go on the record as saying, “I am Kobe Bryant.”

A new James Bond video game will be shown. The developer will explain how it’s like GoldenEye. “This game will have guns, just like GoldenEye 64.”

Harmonix will unveil a Game of Thrones/Duran Duran cross-over project titled, “Hungry Like the Wolf.”

KickStarter will be brought up 5,000 times.

Iwata will announce a new project: “Design your own video game console.” It will be a glorified survey with results that Nintendo will take into account for their next system. The results will be a failure when the leading request is revealed to be “a better online system,” causing Iwata to scratch his head in confusion.