Shocking Updates From Dorkfest ’08!

by Travis Woodside on

Nintendo is characteristically tight-lipped just before E3 and so it’s been a very slow news day. Instead of reporting on rumors (nonsense), trademarks LucasArts made (probably all stupid 360 games anyway), or telling you all about Buffy the Vampire Slayer DS: Survivor (not affiliated with that stupid RE game or that show no one watched) . . . where was I? Oh yes, instead of doing those things I think it’s time to give the people what they want. The people want saucy Dorkfest gossip in the second person. Which I think was how The Great Gatsby was written. I don’t know. Faithful Nintendork, Mark (aka ZeoGold) slept with Trekridr and CPG last night before carpooling together down to Virginia where the festivities and dark witchcraft ceremonies would be held.

This is super rare footage of what I believe might be CPG. I’ve never seen him before, but I can see Mark in the rear view mirror (and thus backseat) and I can only assume Trek the Bear is driving. And what’s that in CPG’s hand? Some sort of lobster band, no doubt. Let’s hope he doesn’t get loose, but remains a loveable and locked up Sloth ala The Goonies.

I received a number of text messages from Mark throughout the day (two). One simply said “Haha”. I found it to be fairly thrilling myself. The other, however, is unbelievable.

“You’ve gotta be here to enjoy this.On my way.Thanks” – Mark

I am no linguist, but I do not even know what that means. Has meeting up with the dorks so badly damaged his mind? Experts in the studio maintain that the message was likely intended for someone else. I’m not so sure. This shocking image (and the last I received from him as of this writing) leads me to believe that not all is well.

Yes, your eyes do not deceive you. That’s not bigfoot. It’s freaking megafoot and he’s brought his two pals, ultrafoot and gigantafoot, to feed upon this world.

Or maybe we all just had to be there. Keep on with the updates, dorks!