So, I was stunned to read an announcement for the sequel to an “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader” video game.
I am always, always surprised when some company decides to make a video game based on a terrible television game show, because it saddens me greatly to think about the poor programmer who has spent years in school learning computer science just to code one of these shitpiles. It saddens me to think of the people who sat on a production line putting the booklets into the case, and then shrink wrap them and send them off to America. It saddens me to think of that parent who picks up the game and says “Yes, yes. This is the game my son or daughter wants. We are such fans of this popular television show!” I did some searching, and it turns out, there was an “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader” game. In fact, here is a delightful youtube video where someone has hacked the game to show the letter C as the correct answer each time. You can watch this video over and over and slowly you will see the end of all humanity. Who buys this? Who buys this game? Well, apparently someone, or multiple someones (somes ones?), because THQ has decided that enough people purchased the original classic to warrant a sequel, “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader: You Might As Well Kill Yourself Seriously Your Life Is Over The Instant You Make The Decision To Buy This.” According to the press release, “Contestants will choose their partner from five all new brainy 5th graders and test their skills in over 23 subjects while earning coveted gold stars on the way to the virtual Million Dollar Question.” There are so many things wrong. Not just with that sentence, but with a God that would allow this to happen to His/Her/Greejar’s People. Coveted gold stars. Virtual Million Dollar Question. These are things that someone was paid to write to promote this game. “The Nintendo DS version of the game boasts 3,000 new questions and gives players the opportunity to partner with 5 unlockable bonus classmates.” UNLOCKABLE. BONUS. CLASSMATES. This is a punishment for something we did wrong. I told everyone that the golden calf worship was getting out of hand. Now look. Now we have to kneel at the alter of unlockable bonus 5th grade classmates to assist us in spelling words and answering retard-level astronomy questions.
Oh, and this isn’t an isolated incident. There are so many games like this. Every time I go to Target I stand for a few minutes, hollow-eyed and hurting in front of the glass case that is filled with these video games. Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?
Nope. We aren’t. We will never be.