In the previous episode, I laid out the first half of the plot of Namco’s Star Wars, a mysterious Famicom title that had very little to do with it’s source material. In the game, we are introduced to young Luke Skywalker, force user and all around shit-killing badass. After receiving a bizarre missive from a Princess to save her friends, he embarks on a journey that takes him across multiple planets, where he met and dispatched Darth Vader, an immortal transmogrificating dark wizard. At the conclusion of the first half, Luke heard from Chewbacca in his original tongue of Gibberish-monkeyspeak.
Now, the thrilling conclusion!
Luke, after pondering the completely retarded sounding request (if you remember, it was “RRARGRARG, ARARRAROOER.”), decided to gun his ship directly into a nearby sun, because he would rather just commit the baddest-ass form of suicide a man can commit, but, in a way that could only have been written by Damon Lindelof, he ended up floating over a frozen planet, where, of course, he shot down some goddamn TIE fighters. It seems that, just as in the American version of Star Wars, TIE fighters are the houseflies of the galaxy: they are all over the place and they can eat shit. Luke lands the Millenium Falcon on a sturdy ice floe, and then pauses as he looks at the windswept tundra. A floating box appeared to name the planet in front of him.
“THE ICE PLANET…”
it scrolled, slowly.
“of…Hoth.” Luke said, folding his arms. He knew that this galaxy was only big enough for one desert planet, one forest moon, and one ice planet.
“…OF TINA” finished the Box.
“What.” Luke said this in a defeated way, and pulled out his lightsaber and killed an adorable ice creature out of annoyance. Luke trudged through this cold, cold planet, killing things in a very half-hearted manner, until he reached a pink fish man guarding an ice cave.
“Listen, dude. Let me into your ice cave.” Luke said, just frustrated. He shot the fish person in the chest with a blaster bolt, but the creature did not budge.
“I AM THE GUARD HERE. YOU CANNOT PASS!” responded the fishthing, partially blocking his own text box. Luke sighed, and sent a call out to his pal C-3PO. “Can you make a fishman go away?” He asked the goldenrod droid. Threepio, ever the bad-ass, responded in a curt manner: “I WILL FINISH THIS.”
The fishman turned and fled. It is kind of sad that this nonsensicality did not phase Luke one bit. He pressed on, jumping over spikes and other crap (and there was even a stormtrooper with a goddamn jetpack) until he found himself at a cliff overlooking an endless sea. Luke was about to jump in when he thought to himself: “I was totally able to swim a little bit ago, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I won’t be allowed to swim here.” A lone whale floated in the water, looking up at Luke, mouth open, eyes rolled back in their socket.
“Well, eff this.” Luke said. “If Threepio was Pocahontas last time, then I’ll let him paint with all the colors of the wind here too.” Luke pulled out his com. “C-3PO. What do I do about crossing this ocean. I want to ride this stoned whale. Repeat, I want to ride this stoned whale.”
Luke shook his head. “No. I will not talk with this whale.” Instead, he jumped down it’s fucking face! Bam! And rode that son of a bitch. ALL THE WAY TO THE SECRET TINA BASE. ZAP! RABBLE!
Luke entered the base, happy that he had shown that whale who was the damn boss. The base was cold, and spartan, with disappearing ice blocks and more of that weird floating fire. Eventually, he found himself in the beating heart of the base, where, much to his surprise, an old foe awaited. Darth Fucking Vader.
“I killed you. For reals, it was you, and not a robot monster disguised as you. What are you doing?” Luke asked.
“Apparently it did.” Luke said, and, assuming that he knew which base this new dude was on about, he finished with “Whatever. To Yavin!”
He exited hyperspace outside of a green globe. As if he were in a game of Where in The Galaxy Is Carmen Sandiego, TIE Fighters flew in to attack as the V.I.L.E. Henchmen that indicated he was on the right track. He shot them down, and landed the Millenium Falcon well away from the base. If Han is anywhere here on Yavin, it’s probably in a random tree near where I am, Luke deduced (using the well known principle of Occam’s light-razor). (I am not allowed to make jokes like that ever again.) So, Luke journeyed into the forest, which was populated by the weirdest little midget things, giant turrets, and the omnipresent living flame.
Luke found a secret passageway which led to the inside of a tall, hollow tree. After climbing, jumping, and hacking his way to the top, he saw a lonely man in a vest standing in a cage. It was Han Solo. Luke shot the wall, and the cage opened. Han stepped out and embraced our hero, who had dyed his own hair blonde. “THANKS, LUKE THERE IS A HIDDEN ESCAPE ROUTE IN THIS BASE.”
“Wait,” Luke responded. “But I saved you, why can’t I just go back to the – Why am I arguing with you? Shitballs.” Luke left the tree, and moved again into the forest. Eventually, he found his way to the huge, huge rebel base. Of course, as one would suspect, it was guarded by jet-pack wielding stormtroopers. Luke destroyed turrets placed along the walls, and eventually came to a dead-end! Two flames circled, and a turrent pelted him with blaster bolts. Oh snap! Luke shook his head, searching for a solution. Oh! Of course! One call to Chewbacca…
“I WILL SMASH THE DOOR.” replied the Wookiee, who had learned perfect English somehow. The door broke from the ferocity of this claim! Luke continued onward into the base, eventually coming to a room he could feel surged with dark power. It was Darth Vader.
“LUKE, THIS IS THE FINAL SHOWDOWN.”
Luke and Vader’s light blades pierced the darkness of the dank rebel base. “Finally,” I thought. “Years of writing Star Wars fan fiction have brought me to this, the most important moment in my life.” Darth Vader attacked! Luke deftly spun and caught the saber with his own, fighting off the Sith Lord. Darth Vader jumped around like a damn Wampa, too, and laser bolts shot from his light saber, which is almost a little unfair. Luke remembered to call to Obi-Wan, who repeated his same stupid “LUKE, USE THE FORCE” advice. The pair fought into the night, but, of course, it was Luke who emerged victorious.
“YEAH. SUCK ON THAT, VADER. YOU SHIT. YOU FUCKING SHIT.”
And thus, Luke killed Vader, and never learned about his dad. Oh well, that part was kind of lame, anyway, right?
Luke moved down the hallway, and came across..Leia? “Wait…when were you kidnapped?” He shot at the demon, but nothing happened. “Oh wait, it’s really you? What is going on? Why don’t I care anymore? When did my soul die?” Leia rushed towards Luke. As you may have guessed, her hair was dyed blonde.
“YOU DID IT, LUKE. WE WERE ABLE TO TAKE THE BASE BACK.” They hugged, and then totally made out.
After all of the incest died down, a whole bunch of shit had happened, including that whole scene where they talk about assaulting the Death Star and then that one dude is a pussy and says he can’t shoot for shit and Luke is a dick to him. This happens, but we don’t see it. Instead, we see Luke flying into space in an X-Wing.
Finally, the trench rushed to meet our hero…and he let out a lone proton torpedo. Everyone in the galaxy held their collective breath…
It’s a hit! Luke, in a TIE Fighter, and probably Han Solo, in Luke’s trusty Millenium Falcon (who was totally unnecessary in this version, since Luke already killed Darth Vader), escape the exploding Death Star! Yay!
That’s when this version of Star Wars throws it’s last curveball. Maybe it was just uppity English romhackers, but here, the medallions were rightfully given out to Luke, for his bravery, and to Chewie, for his ability to break down important walls. Han Solo gets fucking nothing. Hurray! Hip, hip, hurray!
So, that’s it, fair readers. Thanks for following along with this kind of repetitive story. It’s a little bit different from our Westernized version of Star Wars, but I think it holds up, especially if you overlook a great deal of the glaring, terrible plot holes. As a gift, I’ve put every screenshot I took from my play through of the game here, and you can relive the moments yourself if you somehow got hold of a ROM (BUT THIS IS A FROWNED UPON PRACTICE BY NINTENDORKS DOT COM AND OUR SUBSIDIARIES) and then went here for the translation patch.
And when you play…just remember, “I AM SKORPIAN VADER. YOUR FRIEND IS HERE!” will get you into any nightclub in America. Oh, but you have to turn into a giant scorpion. I forgot that. That is the important part of that advice.