Five Things I Always Forget About Star Fox 64 And Then Remember, To My Surprise and Delight

by Kevin on

[![]/20091104-smash_vc_starfox.jpg "The correct choice between bomb and turbo laser is haha suck it Falco.")
*Star Fox 64* is a great video game. Nintendo needs to make more of that. Shigeru Miyamoto is [disappointed that people haven’t been enjoying the recent games as much as he has](, and I think that mostly it’s because the recent games have not been very good. Adam has written a great little article about how [he’d redo the series](, so I won’t discuss the shitty recent Star Fox games.

This article, though, is about Star Fox 64. I’ll pull it out every few years and play through the game, and in my last play through, I realized that there are these small things about the game that I forget and then discover again and again. Things that make the game fucking great. Here are five of those things.

1. When you meet William “Bill” Grey (ace pilot in the Cornerian Army, stationed in Katrina) he talks like he is a damn surfer. It is incredible. He has these sweet shades, and he’s constantly telling you to go for the four hatches on the underside of the ship. The hatches are open! Oh shit they’re closed again, aren’t they. Well, wait, the hatches are open! Suck it, they’re closed again before you could get there. You know what? I don’t care because I like listening to Bill chatter on. Also, the level where you meet him? That level is just like-

…holy shit.

1b. Katrina is just a video game version of the final battle from Independence Day. Why didn’t I see this until right now? Bill is even named after a character from the movie! This game is fucking great.

Try shooting the BAD GUYS, Fox.

2. The other pilots in Fox’s squadron get so excited whenever they score a kill. Slippy especially. Hearing Slippy chase an enemy and finally take one down? It’s really something special. Especially since you have a counter on the screen showing how many kills you have to your name, and it’s generally in the hundreds. So, nice job, Slippy. You got one. Thanks for getting on the com and getting all excited. Cocky little freak.

3. Falco is a little shit. Also, the Landmaster tank is unncessary, especially since the Arwing would have worked just as well. Yeah, the Blue Marine is important, but I kind of wish that the Arwing were just waterproofed.

4. Over the course of the game, I will get more and more confused as to what gender Slippy is. I start out thinking it’s a dude, because chicks don’t belong in an Arwing. As the game goes on, though, come on, Slippy sounds like a chick (Slippy’s voice actress? Lyssa Browne. Lady.). The gender confusion makes up for the fact that Slippy is such a cock-up. (Even Peppy makes a snarky comment) I am doing research online as I write this article, and I’ve discovered that since Star Fox 64, Slippy has gotten married? Liberal-ass Aquas.

[![]/20091105-andross.jpg "This is a lot of work, I think.")
5\. The final level features all kinds of amazing shit, but those [arm-swinging monkeys]( are really a treat, aren’t they? (Uncle) Andross totally nailed that base protection scheme. Video game bosses are really terrible at this, but I like how much of a shithead Andross is, in general. I wish I had the balls to pilot my own giant robot head and floating robot hands. Take that, [clown car]( If you’re playing the game to the best of your ability, it’s as a giant floating brain that shoots bolts of electricity in all-range mode! I guess if you control the galaxy, **you do what you damn well want.**

So, that’s it. The game is fucking great. I didn’t even mention the fact that when you’re in all-range mode, the boss is represented on your map as a giant B and I always realize this near the end of the game, because I spend the first three-quarters thinking it’s just a top-down view of the boss, who is surprisingly square, except for two holes. Go and play it again.

Freaky little cocks.