Three Important Moments Today

by Kevin on

[![]/20100617-fling_smash_03.jpg "Fart Fucker? Poop Hammer? Ring Rockshit?")

Three humorous things happened to me today, concerning a few games you may, or may not be interested in. One of them you will probably never have a chance to play, but oh well, that’s life sometimes.


Sega, there has been a lot written about how terrible you are at making Sonic games post Sonic 3. It’s all true, and I don’t need to rehash things here. I am pretty sure that the problem is that Sonic itself is not a viable franchise, no matter what additive you include. Nobody really cares much about running fast anymore? Anyway, the latest attempt to make Sonic interesting comes in the form of Sonic Colors. It’s like Sonic Adventure, but you get little whisps that follow you around and allow you to dig in the ground, or go even faster? I am not really a game journalist, and I was not really on board with the game from the outset.

So, I dicked around. I walked as slow as possible. Sonic slowly sauntered through a level designed to be viewed at TEN MILLION MILES PER HOUR

(aside. two questions. ONE: in Britain is the game called Sonic Colours? TWO in Britain is Tails named Kilometers “Tails” Prower?)


This caused the Sega rep some consternation. He thought something was wrong, and I explained that I was allowing Sonic to “ease into things.” “You have to give him some time to stretch.” He was not having this. So I ran a bit, and talked with Garret. Garret, by the way, was playing the game as all Sonic games are played these days, by just pressing forward and yawning. After the rep left, I slowed Sonic down again, and walked. I enjoyed the little bits of scenery along the side of the level. I walked up to a trash can, slowly. As I got there, the trash can exploded. A nearby flowerpot exploded too. Sonic! He can really move. Sonic, he’s got attitude.

Sonic. He’s the fastest thing aliiiiiive.


I played the 3DS as WELL, but I was not lucky and ended up playing a series of games and demos that were not super impressive. I watched a 3D film trailer for Tangled, for God’s sake. Ooof. I turned around and ran into a girl who had a 3DS chained to her.

Her: HEY, you want to play a GREAT GAME with a cat on a POGO STICK?

Me: Of course!

Her: Good! By the way, this is the best game on the show floor.

Me: Wait, what?

Her: It’s a game designed to teach you how platforming games are better in 3D. You hop from platform to platform on this pogo stick. You’re a cat. On the bottom screen, as you can see, it’s not 3D, and it’s much harder to play.

Me: Oh wow, this is fun!

Her: It is, isn’t it whoa who touched my butt.

Me: Pardon?

Her: Someone just touched my butt.

Me: It wasn’t me, since you can see my hands right here, playing this game. Ha ha!

Her: Ok. Unless you’ve got some secret fourth arm you’re hiding.

(there is a noticeable pause here. I continue to bounce on platforms)

Me: Wait. A secret fourth arm? This implies that there is a highly noticeable third arm that I have.

Her: Yeah, you know, you might have it in your backpack! (large smile, crazy eyes)

Me: Oh look at that, I just beat your demo, this was great, thank you good bye.

Exit Kevin


This is a conversation I had with the gang tonight:

Me: What was that game? The last one I played? What was that called? Flick Flacker?

Cory: Span Smasher. Spling Flash.

Me: Flam Flickler? Flail Riptard? Metal Smashball? Smack Racker?

Garret: Flip Flash.

Travis: Flam Blam. Flip Smash.

Me: Jizz Blaster? Smack Racker? Hop Bop’em? Hitball? Was it hitball?

Me: Fling Smash!

This is a game I also played last year, when it was called Span Smasher, and it involves you kind of whipping the Wii remote around to propel a metal ball around a kind of autoscrolling maze. Sometimes you have to get keys, and some times, you have to defeat enemies. Imagine breakout and pinball making a baby, with boss fights. It’s going to be a full title, and it utilizes the MotionPlus, and to give you an idea of how it controls, I was annoyed, and the Nintendo rep said to me something to the effect of: “Here, let me, I’m really good at this level. I’ll show you how it’s done.” Then he tried to take the controller from me. Listen. Dude. I know how to play these wacky video games.

This game was worth a fun play through, but it’s still kind of tedious to control, and it’s probably made worse by the MotionPlus, if that’s possible. Oh, MotionPlus, you have no idea how much I whip the controller around. Heavy, slow sigh.