DRCs: 09-06-11

by Brandon on

Like nothing happened.

ANNOUNCEMENT: I pledge to make an effort to answer DRCs more regularly if more DRCs are regularly sent in. That and they don’t suck. Thank you.

Playstation Network Outage

Day 33:

I ventured Outside for the first time since the event. The Sun had the intensity of, well… one Sun. It charred my skin to a crisp, uh… well, I guess it didn’t really burn. Is this what Outside is like? I guess it isn’t so bad. – tubular culosis

Brandon: You think that’s nice, you should try some sex!

Why do free porn streaming sites have twitter links beside every video? Is anyone shameless enough to actually use these? Or are they just a trap to ruin future political careers for everybody that accidentally clicks one? – Sven

Brandon: This is a very good question. I guess I would like to see some porn that was SO good it moved someone to say they “liked” it. I mean, that’d have to be some pretty sweet porn.

How do you feel about Elvis Costello? – A Sad Pathetic Little Man

Brandon: He seems like a cool guy, but I’ve never met him so I can’t safely say.

Who is Scott Moffitt? WTF is SoBe? – Cdub

Brandon: Sobe is the drink that the hot girl from Gossip Girl got naked for, right?

All my friends are knocking down my door.

For the Commodore 64! – WindFish

Brandon: Responding to this comment would require me showing my age.

I have not visited this site in years, but today I did & I saw that you still do DRCs. My heart is all warm like E.T. Touch it. – Charlatanized

Neil Diamond: You got it.

Will you play Rock Band with me? – Mark

Brandon: Sure!

I’m thinking… – Dreamcast

Brandon: About a new career? HA HA HA HA!

WHAT PODcasts do you listen TO? Please answer me privately, I don’t want anyone to know that I am a frequent reader of this site. – anthony kiedis

Brandon: I really like The Big O and Dukes show. I also listen to Marc Maron’s WTF, and am trying to get into Aisha Tyler’s Girl On Guy, but her “style” of talking over people annoys me a little so I don’t know how long that will last. As for answering privately, don’t worry, no one reads these.

Am I still alive? – Jewel

satchmo: You weren’t until we reached #DEFCONJewel

Brandon: Boobs.

When I die, I bequeath unto Brandon my cannon and my battleship. Unto Satchmo, I leave a small dog and a boot. The rest of my possessions, I leave to Christopher Lloyd. – Rich Uncle Pennybags

Brandon: I hope there’s enough room on that battleship for a small dog and a boot!

satchmo: Wait, aboot what?

Hoo, I am sooo wasted, I bet I won’t even remember sending this in when I am answering these DRC’s. Luckily I have a witty response ready for just such an occasion: – Brandon

Brandon: Joke’s on you, self! I haven’t had a drink in 4 months! Wait, that’s about how old the last edition of DRCs was. Shiiitttt…

Did you get the bag of Easter candy I sent you dearie? – Nana

Brandon: Is there anything worse than black jellybeans? Whenever a black jellybean is near other jellybeans–moves in to their “neighborhood” so to speak–I think those other jellybeans lose their value just by association.

Tegan and Sara? More like Tia and Tamara. – Guy who prefers old WB twins to indie rock twins

Brandon: I am delightfully unfamiliar with both!

My name sounds like a sex act. That is the joke in this reader comment. – Phil A. Shue

Brandon: Remember in Being There when that guy came on Chance’s shoe? Haha, good book.

DON’T you think it is ODD that there are MULTIPLE FINAL FANTASIES? I mean like, “Hey, no, seriously this is the last fantasy,” amiright?

You would not feel any differently if I had cancer. – Love me


I am going to continue submitting comments to you. At a later date. Under less conspicuous names, and in different styles. That will be so cool. – Native Indianan

Brandon: If you need me, I’ll be right over here on the edge of my seat.

LOVE ME INTERNET, auuuggghhh, I am in New York but I am still too awkward to hold a conversation. I live in a little box and I illustrate and I come out to see improv shows occasionally. INTERNET LOVE ME PLEASE LOVE ME.

Oh, but I know I deserve scorn for my pleas. I am so hungry, I am not eating food anymore, please love me or donate money.

I told a homeless man I didn’t have any change and it was true! My wallet was actually empty!

I am sorry, I realize that this is not the proper outlet for this. Um…I still love you, Nintendo. You fuck up a lot, but I think you’re pretty good. – obviously the same dude

Brandon: I hope you are still alive.

I GET IT NOW. The Daily Reader Comments are not updated daily, rather, we the readers must submit comments, daily.

French (yes French) for ‘I am sorry’,

Jorge – jorge luis BORGESSSSS

French for ‘Apology accepted’: I like the way you think! Also, see the announcement above.

YEAH RIGHT I BET IT’S FAKE *takes on different shouting voice* YEAH, YEAH, TOTALLY FAKE. – E3 Guy Doubter

Brandon: Hey I heard a guy over there say that was fake!

Half my life (literally) I’ve been coming here, and still, it is the same bundle of juvenile puns and sex jokes. It’s bizarrely comforting. – []!

Brandon: That’s because juvenile puns and sex jokes are universal, and you are one with the universe.

I am eating my own poop right now. Om nom nom it has the texture of circus peanuts. – Hank Azaria

Brandon: God damn you.


That was my nervous, excited, Pre-E3 power-fart. Like the leaves changing color, or the first snowfall of winter, it signals the coming of an exciting new season. You’re welcome. – billy chilly

Brandon: Oh did E3 happen?

Satoru said deeper and wider!

I am the first to draw attention to this. I win. – Gertrude Stein

Brandon: Your parents must be so proud.

Browsing news sites reading E3 articles and then all of a sudden I had a Mr Face flashback and decided to check back in here after 8 years or so. Can’t believe you’re still bashing away at this Brandon.

I am on a slight nostalgic chub. – Spyper

Brandon: I wouldn’t exactly say I’m bashing away at it. And wait, whose chub are you on?

Birds scare the shit out of me. Just look at their soulless eyes and nasty dinosaur-like feet. They are evil, pure and simple.

At least they at least have the decency to be delicious. – Ray64

Brandon: My sister’s best friend is deathly afraid of birds as well. So hey, you share the same fear as a GIRL!

I must respond to this.

My English sucks, so i took it short.

It’s cool that you defend the Power Glove, and write this tutorial, if i got some Money i will buy that thing, and check it out 🙂

Greetz – Slut-Hunter

Brandon: “My English sucks, so i took it short” is such a great line I didn’t pay attention to anything else you said.

The depressing thing is that someone named after Princess Zelda is now completely legal. – Guppy06

Brandon: Please explain the depressing part of that.

I think Robin Williams might be my father – Mark

Brandon: Because he also doesn’t know you exist?

Why can’t I click on Mr. Face?! I demand answers! – A Concerned Citizen

Brandon: What? I can click on it just fine!Haha not really.

Chris, that’s just sad. The last desperate act of a lazy slacker. – A Sad Pathetic Little Man

Brandon: I thought it was funny. IGN stinks.

by the by, the faux update was cruel and mean. When did our love turn to toxic pranks of such a juvenile nature? – []!

Brandon: 1997?

Brandon, for all the birthdays I missed I decided to get you a lifetime supply of beer along with a stay at home hooker who is STD free and comes with a lifetime warranty. Her name is In-chi Pee-Pee and she only eats “catnip”. Hope you enjoy! – cdub

Brandon: I know you’re lying because you said the hooker was free of STDs.

Still waiting for a Nintendo Mascot baseball game? DUDE BRO AMAZON YO. – make a funny win a bunny

Brandon: You win nothing.

and here I thought I was the only one that made eyeball-toast! – MEKsLP


I really do wish that you’d update the drcs more often. It really would be appreciated. But I understand that you’re busy with other things. Don’t worry. Just keep up the good work.

Sniffle. – earnest enjoyer

Brandon: Your support fuels the fire in the testicles of my heart.

I’m submitting this from my $99 fire sale clearance HP TouchPad. – Setzer

Brandon: Hooray! You bought something!

satchmo: That 99$ could have sent 10 African orphans to school for a year AND cured AIDS.

Brandon: Don’t worry, there’s an app for that.

Hi Brandon. I might die tomorrow because I didn’t prepare for Hurricane Irene, I was too busy drinking. If You don’t get another comment from me by the time you answer these, then you are to assume that this is my last communication with the world. Hey–be nice to one another. You don’t have to love everyone, but would it be so bad to just wish them well? And while your at it, wish yourself well too. Enjoy your worries, you may never have them again. Like that Books song.

Thanks for your entertainment and wit over the years too. Okay, bye. – Brad


When I’m at Subway, even if I want allll the veggies, I’ll leave out two or three, just so the Subway person doesn’t think I’m a pig. – I know that doesn’t make any sense

Brandon: When I’m at Taco Bell, if I want a Double Decker Taco Supreme, I’ll leave off the tomatos, just because I don’t think those tomatos are entirely fresh!

I call bullshit on this story. Even on OKCupid, Nussy would never get girls interested in his scrawny ass. – Encubed

Brandon: That’s a funny way of spelling dreamy.

“My Brief OkCupid Affair With a Goldeneye Wii Clanmember” is an article that confuses and upsets me. A Nintendork found a delightfully geeky girl and shot her down because she was delightfully geeky? Was she one of those socially retarded geeks? Did she smell? Was she wearing a necklace made of fingers? She fat? – billy chilly


Wait, being a world champion in Goldeneye actually makes a girl *less* attractive to Nussy? Is this Bizarro Nintendorks where everyone hates Nintendo? Oh wait, I guess that’s just AJ Nintendorks. – fearsomepirate

Brandon: Kind of like a girl having credit card debt makes her less attractive to you?



Chris, if you can barely play mario, then why the hell do you write for a gaming site/nintendorks? – cdub

Brandon: YEAH, CHRIS. PS Stay tuned for my blog post about Xbox games.