DRCs: 09-19-11

by Brandon on


ANNOUNCEMENT: I pledge to make an effort to answer DRCs more regularly if more DRCs are regularly sent in. That and they don’t suck. Thank you.

Aw, my yogurt expired on 9/11. I promised myself I would never forget 🙁 – Barksdale

Brandon: That was slightly less funny than the few times I saw the same joke on Twitter.

I find I don’t hate things as much as I grow older! How bout you? – Brother from another Whoremonger

Brandon: Yeah I’ll be dead soon, I don’t have time to hate things.

I was recently given the job of writing the fortunes for a batch of fortune cookies for the school district. Help me, Nintendorks, you’re my only hope.

They have to be simple enough for third-graders to understand. We’re ignoring anything below that. – Manny

Brandon: “You’re going to poop LOL”

I have found better motivation for school than you can provide: the prospect of lots of future monies! MWAHAHA.

Also, a pink 3DS?! Where is my Indigo?! How much longer must I hold out?! – AquaRichy

Brandon: Think of all the money you’ll make if you mass produce an indigo 3DS!!

Not only is Don Henley boring, but he’s also a massive technophobe douchenozzle. – Cory

Brandon: The photo on that article is appropriately douchey and boring!

It’s always a little sad to go to the zoo and see animals that are trapped in little enclosures, instead of loose and ripping your face out of your head like they’d like. Do you have a good zoo, over there? – Jai

Brandon: Heck yeah we do! It’s got monkeys and everything! I watched an Orangutan vomit up what looked like strawberry rhubarb jam, use its finger to eat the vomit, then vomit it up again and repeat the process!

Dorkfest becomes more homoerotic every year! – Mark

Brandon: And how many years in a row have you gone? HMMMMMMMM

I watched “Wedding Crashers” last Sunday. While it was funny, I think it might have been overly improvised. Also, there should have been more nudity. – Gato

Brandon: I was actually watching some of it last night! True story! Owen Wilson annoyed me so I turned it off and then drove to hollywood and punched him in the nose. That’s not a true story.

I’m going to lay out this DRC in two parts, beginning with the second first:


2) Please do another excellent and professional graph displaying the relative size of your boner as it relates to the release of Skyrim on 11-11-11 as compared to our current date. Please include a logarithmic mean as it relates your general static bone level.

Thank you. – A Sad Pathetic Little Man

Brandon: I don’t think a graph is necessary for stating the obvious.

I am just standing in a Ben & Jerry’s, winking at people. – Hank Azaria

Brandon: What’s your favorite Ben & Jerry’s flavour, Hank Azaria?! Mine is Phish Food! Ha ha! It’s funny and ironic because I think Phish is worse than Nickelback!

I’m looking at your graph and noticing distinct drops when (1) school started, (2) puberty started, a rise when (3) sex started, back to a downward spiral with (4) marriage and a divorce, and finally back up with (5) re-marriage. I bet everyone’s graph looks like that at 40. Congrats on not being SPECIAL. – just an anylist

Brandon: I started a topic on the forum, and that pattern showed up multiple times regardless of age. Also I don’t need a graph to tell me I’m special when I already KNOW I’m special. Finally, ever notice you can’t spell “analyst” without “anal?” Or in your case, can’t spell it at all.

I have this vision of a reality TV show where you go around and sarcastically say you are sorry to people for the first world problems they are bitching about.

The shows title will be: Brandolences. – garman

Brandon: SOLD. I mean, I do that already without cameras, why not get PAID for it?

well shit I don’t have much to say but I’ll at least pad your submissions as per your request – MEKsLP

Brandon: My request asked that they don’t suck.

I’m tired 🙁

And drunk 🙁 – SerratedEdge

Brandon: You forgot apathetic and lonely.

How long was your Archers of Loaf set? Mine was ~45 minutes. The bartender told me they wouldn’t agree to play more (Sebadoh punished the crowd for an hour and fifteen). One Archers encore. Was it my city/crowd? Tell you the truth I was so shitfaced and happy during their set I can’t remember if the crowd sucked or not. – Ronald

Brandon: I think it was your city/crowd. Or maybe Sebadoh. Electric Owls opened when I saw them. Archers played 2 encores, I think. It was pretty great.

I crushed a mouse under the lip of a cup. I was just trying to catch it but I missed and crushed its midsection. So all I could do is watch it struggle for a minute and then give its last few gasps and then cough up little bits of blood and die. It was very unpleasant. – I didn’t feel bad killing the cockroach though, and it was bigger.

Brandon: That’s pretty goddamn sad. Thank god the mouse didn’t have a name.

As much as I like chilling out to “Harmacy”, I never once thought that Sebadoh would be a good band to see live. J Mascis is for rocking my balls off, and Lou Barlow is for when I want to put them on ice.

Speaking of the the aging ’90s, have you listened to the new Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks album? It’s basically the second disc to “Real Emotional Trash”, which was mostly okay, but the rule of thumb is that Disc 2 is always the weaker of the double-disc set. Too much waxing nostalgia and literal lyrics (give me the absurdity of “Brighten the Corners” any day). Malkmus is going soft 🙁 – tubular culosis

Brandon: I agree a little. His new album isn’t BAD, just…yeah, that’s Stephen Malkmus, ok moving on…

So…where exactly does one acquire naked pictures of Scarlet Johansen? – not Ryan Reynolds

Brandon: I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark here, but I’m willing to be they’re on the internet.

I joined the Navy. Just doing my part to keep Nintendorks safe from pirates. – Eldaron

Brandon: Speaking of, why is today talk like a pirate day? May the fourth makes sense as Star Wars day, but September 19th sound like nothing a pirate would say! I suppose I could google it, but that would make the past 30 seconds of typing a waste of time.

How will Christians, Muslims and Scientologists hold on to their faith, now that ScarJo has been seen naked?

I couldn’t remember how to spell her name so I used the idiot version, sorry. – Jai

Brandon: Wouldn’t that be great if her naked pics made everyone realize what a load of shit organized religion is?

Haha! You reminded me that on my sister’s OKCupid profile, she did in fact put, “If you have credit card debt, do not message me.” – fearsomepirate

Brandon: She sounds like a real catch.

If you had to be trapped in a videogame world forever which game would you want it to be? – Survivor

Brandon: Custer’s Revenge.

Last time I send you photos Mr. Naughty! – Scarlett Johansson

Brandon: At least now I’m a right-thinking atheist the way God intended!

Brandon, what is your biggest fear? – Flounder from The Little Mermaid

Brandon: Having my cell phone hacked.

So, I sat next to her.

We talked casually about math and so forth and as we were walking back to our cars, I invited her to dinner with my family.

She accepted.

I don’t know what it all means…what does it all mean?!?! – Drowning In Brownings

Brandon: Awwww she still wants to be friends, how awesome.

What with you getting married and all, does this mean that it’s too late for us to act on our dream of moving to Germany and forming Europe’s greatest Styx cover band? – SquirrelGOD

Brandon: I don’t know, the reception will need some music…

hey man what about me? – Good Music

Brandon: Harrrrrrrrrr

I still want to play Rock Band with you. I just acquired some sweet Miley Cyrus DLC. – Mark

Brandon: That sounds like a Party in the USA.

Finally playing ME2’s Lair of the Shadow Broker, even though I bought it the day it came out (the internet tells me over a year ago, Jesus). It is pretty awesome, except I was pissed I didn’t have enough renegade points to do whatever awesome thing you can do to the chick when she has a hostage. – Skoad

Brandon: If I remember correctly, you call her a doodoo head and then make fun of her shoes. It’s pretty mean.

So I adopted a water slider (turtle) from the middle of the road in April or May, where it was sure to perish had I not done so. While I like Mudder (the name) very much, I am now trying to figure out exactly when I should release it (him, her?) back into the wild. I know you minored in Tortoisology in college, so I was hoping you could give me some pointers. What do you think? Also, how do you determine the sex of a water slider? – Dewey

Brandon: Show it some gay turtle porn and see how it reacts.

Great job on the 2010 music list! When you think about your 2009 list and today, would it be mostly the same? Would the differences, which surely there would be, be major or minor? Or even: would this have been your 2010 list in January 2011? – Ronald

Brandon: That’s a good question. Looking back at 2009 I’m pretty pleased with it. If I were to change anything it’d probably be taking the top 3 albums NOT in the top ten, and replacing them with slots IN the top 10. Like, I think XX’s album (#13) should have been in the top ten.

As for this year’s list, I did actually start thinking of it back in January, but with selling and buying a house I just didn’t have time, and then I thought it was too late to make one, and so on. If I did make the list back in January I think The Monitor totally would have been #1. But I’m pretty content with the list. It was a lot easier to spit out than last year’s it seemed. Maybe because I’ve been subconsciously thinking about it for 9 months.

I wanted to thank you on behalf of the tens of us for posting the albums you liked in 2010. On another semi-related note I like to make up possible band names by combining the names of the first 2 things I see when I look up from typing. 3 Examples: Paper Oven, Glass Notebook, Fish Light. It works reasonably well and is also entertaining. Now it is your turn – Fundletheoffkilter

Brandon: Bagel Dick. Wait what?

Remember Miis? That may be the only thing I would not like to lose from my Wii. There were good times with those Miis.

I try not to think about how my Mii Parade probably looks like a Trail of Tears now. Has Brock Samson eaten Triforce-face? Will Michael Jackson still be there? Are Jesus and Darth Vader lying crumpled on the side of the parade? I’m afraid to look. – Jai

Brandon: I remember making Miis of each of The Pipettes, which is appropriate considering both Miis and The Pipettes were cool and fun for about 6 months in 2006.

I bought one of those $99 HP Touchpads too. Every letter in this DRC was typed with my middle finger. How do you feel about THAT!? – R.O.B.

Brandon: I feel $99 richer than you.

Five Guys are popping up all over the place here. I’m so happy. Plus we’re right next to Idaho so we get the freshest potatoes ever for their delishious fries. Question: Does anyone ever get their hot dogs? – Opty

Brandon: Never. I forgot they even had hot dogs until you asked that.

Oh man, I’ve only listened to a lil’ bit o’ your 2010 list, but so far it’s delightful, and there are lots o’ bands that I wasn’t familiar with. SO THANKS. I have more music to listen to while I shut myself into a little box and illustrate. – grateful gus

Brandon: No thank YOU (and you’re welcome). Next time if you’re more specific, like if there’s a band you really like, let me know and maybe I can offer up more suggestions.